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Up

Some days it’s just hard to get up.

Up on the inside.

To sashay past the burdens of the mind. To wriggle past despondency. To claim goodness in the day when feelings fail to lead.

Up.

 

By rote the body rises.  It sifts through the refrigerator. Finds bowls. Turns on water. Wipes counters. Nods at words. Packs bags. Stares at bills.

The body just does.

Up.

Or not up.

 

But the disconnect comes at a price.

It charges fear. Costs depression. It bills discouragement.

Debts too high.

 

Which is why I want to feel again, God. Your love.

Your love pouring through me as I mess with the mundane. Your love as I inch in the same van down the same road with the same stop lights. Your love when I speak. Wait in line. When it’s just the kids and me at 4:00, and he’s poking her with a stick he found and she’s racing to the red swing ahead of him and I haven’t got a scrap of energy to do something calm like whisper.

I need. Your love.

Because I realize I…

I cannot get UP on my own.

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5 Responses to “Up”

  1. Bethany Grasley says:

    This is amazing. So accurate and well put. I’m with you. I need it too. Thank you for this Jeanne. <3

  2. Kim Frey says:

    I have often thought it would be great for someone to put into words the thoughts that one feels when fighting depression. Many experience it and don’t realize how common it is for strong, capable and brilliant people to have a battle there. We need to have patience with ourselves and realize that for all the productive days and incredible achievements we see, there is room for let down. It’s okay to rest and let someone else take the reins. It’s okay to have days when chaos takes over and we can even learn to have joy when we look around at things out of order and we are okay to let it be that way for the purpose of just being restful. There is a time for every purpose under heaven. When we step aside, it allows someone else the opportunity to step up. So smile and know this too shall pass.

    • jeanne says:

      I think what happens is the same neighborhood noise, the same tasks doing the same ‘whatever’ become more than mundane…they become paralyzing. And I think the present fear is..”I’m gonna be stuck doing this forever”…and yet my heart wants more. So much more. Inside…somewhere deep…I know this will pass. But when I’m smothered in it, I’m never so sure.

  3. Janine Simon says:

    Jeanne so well put. A thought I have been chewing on this summer is the power of the mundane. We as mothers can get so numb to the importance of washing the same dish, driving the same van on the same road but there is power in that. Those mundane actions have the power to tell those we love they are valued, worth it and are secure.
    This thought was given to me by my cousin who we were praying for before he went back to war. He stood and said ‘Everyone recognizes great acts of bravery and valor but it truly is those who do the mundane everyday who are the heros that need to be celebrated. I don’t think we stop celebrating the great acts of valor but that we should celebrate the mundane more.

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